


A Friendly and Unfriendly Comparison (Or Why Scorpius Malfoy Wished He Was Obliviated)

by NicWin



Series: Pop Goes the Weasel [13]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: All the kids are friends, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attractive Malfoy Family, Draco is a DILF, F/M, Fred Weasley Lives, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Hermione is a MILF, Humor, Lucius is a GILF, Mystery, Narcissa is a GILF, Nymphadora Tonks Lives, Remus Lupin Lives, Ron Weasley Bashing, Scorpius is embarrassed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22902121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicWin/pseuds/NicWin
Summary: During a picnic, Scorpius discovers some distressing revelations about his friends, meanwhile, Draco is disinterested in Harry's latest "problem" regarding Ron.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Series: Pop Goes the Weasel [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1482440
Comments: 11
Kudos: 71





	A Friendly and Unfriendly Comparison (Or Why Scorpius Malfoy Wished He Was Obliviated)

**Author's Note:**

> See endnote for poll question. 
> 
> EDIT: Poll question ends Sunday, 1 March.

**November 2012**

It was a rare nice day in Scotland, it was crisp but not overly cold and it had yet to snow, so about the grounds of Hogwarts those who were finished with classes for the day were taking advantage of the weather. Among them were Slytherin First Years, Scorpius Malfoy and his friends Nichelle Zabini and Trey Nott along with their Gryffindor counterparts Fourth Year Teddy Lupin, Third Year Victoire Weasley and First Years James Potter, Georgette Weasley and Freda Weasley. It was Friday and Teddy and Victoire had packed a gracious picnic for them and the Firsties. Victoire being the better of the duo with charms transfigured a dead log and mushrooms into a large picnic table and benches.

“Sweet. Do you have pumpkin pasties?” James asked after Teddy placed the basket on the now transfigured picnic table.

“Sure we do,” Victoire answered with only a slight French twang.

James smiled gratefully before pulling out his wand, “Accio pumpkin pastie.” The lid opened and a pumpkin pastie zoomed into his outstretched palm. He grabbed it and took a big bite as the others rolled their eyes, he grinned back at them with his mouth full.

“I swear he loves pumpkin pasties as much as you love custard pie,” Nichelle remarked to Scorpius, “Your face when you could only eat one slice during the opening feast was priceless.”

Scorpius glared at her and blew a raspberry in her direction. Nichelle laughed as she delicately reached for a bag of crisps once Victoire laid out the spread.

“So holidays are coming up, are you all going home?” Asked Teddy, as he helped himself to a bacon sandwich.

“I might stay behind,” Victoire answered.

“Why?” Teddy asked, he’d been hoping this year would be the year he could kiss Victoire under the mistletoe and for it to mean something more.

“Because Christmas at the Weasleys is a headache waiting to happen. Between Nana Molly’s sweaters to Uncle George and Fred’s pranks to Grandpa Arthur’s constant muggle contraption tinkling. Ugh.”

“That sounds fun actually,” Scorpius quipped.

“Easy for you to say, you only spend Boxing Day with us.”

Scorpius nodded, “True, but compared to Christmas at the Malfoys, a Weasley Christmas is a lot less stuffy.”

“You’re only saying that because you have obligations,” Trey piped up after finishing a fish sandwich.

“Well duh,” Scorpius exclaimed, “I hate getting all dressed up just because my father is Lord Black and grandfather is Lord Malfoy. I just want a nice quiet relaxing Christmas for once.”

“We probably shouldn’t burden Scion Malfoy—,” Georgette began, “—he might get our parents arrested.” Freda finished. And the two of them laugh.

“Okay, you two need to stop that, you aren’t even twins. And for your information my father could get yours arrested.”

“I wouldn’t mind Lord Black showing off his authority,” Victoire fanned herself, “Seriously Scorp, your dad’s a hottie.”

“So’s his mum,” James whistled, “Just once I would love to have the Headmistress give me detention, if you know what I mean.”

Scorpius made a face, “Ugh, I’m trying to eat here,” he said, waving a pork pie around.

“There’s no reason to be embarrassed, Scorp, you just happen to come from a very attractive family,” Nichelle grinned, “I mean Lord and Lady Malfoy aren’t bad to look at themselves. I heard my parents talking about a “swap” and my father said the top of his list was Narcissa. My mum said the same about Lucius.”

“What’s a swap?” Teddy asked.

Scorpius groaned. Never in a million years did he want to have this conversation with his friends. He hated being the smart one.

“You okay?” Trey asked somewhat concerned.

“Can we stop talking about my family’s attractiveness?” Scorp all but begged. His friends laughed. Scorpius groaned again. “I mean honestly, it’s bad enough now knowing that Victoire has a thing for authoritative older men, but did it have to be my father? And it’s bad enough knowing that James is a kinky preteen with Mummy issues, but did it have to be my mother and our Headmistress? And top it all off, it’s bad enough knowing my friends are harbouring crushes on my parents but it’s weird as fuck knowing Nichelle’s parents talk about swapping with my grandparents! Merlin, I wish I was obliviated!”

“Sensitive little tike,” Freda started, “—aren’t you?” Georgette finished with a grin. Everyone laughed at Scorp’s discomfort until Victoire kindly changed the subject to Quidditch.

* * *

“Malfoy we have a problem,” Harry announces as he enters the patrician blond’s Ministry office.

“What now? I’ve already dispatched with MACUSA about Weasley’s spawn. They assure me they are monitoring any and all potential illicit activity, including student demonstrations and the other shite his father did that, got the pillock obliviated and repatriated. What could you possibly want now?”

“Wendall is undergoing counselling, so he won't bother us for the foreseeable future, actually it’s Ron. He robbed a liquor store last night.”

“So? Let the muggle police do their job. I hear the NYPD is excellent. Besides we have no jurisdiction in America, all we can do is monitor and report him to the authorities as we have for the last dozen-plus years.”

“Right, except when he was processed by the police none of his details came back, instead it showed the details of a wanted criminal. The police think he’s not ‘Ron Weasley, first time offender’, they think he’s ‘Julian Pearce, a prison escapee convicted of two counts of premeditated murder’.”

“I ask again, how is this our problem?”

“He’s being charged with a felony misdemeanour and violation of a prison sentence.”

Draco yawned and examined his nails out of boredom, “Which is true. Technically, by calling my wife’s boggart a ‘mudblood’ he violated his Ministry-sanctioned parole sentence forslander of an Ancient and Noble House Lord, me. Which by our laws is akin to a felony misdemeanour.”

“Malfoy!”

“Yes?” Draco grinned.

“He’s looking at 25 years to life in federal prison, with no chance at parole.”

“Which is much less than what he would’ve gotten had his mother not asked me to spare him Azkaban. So in lieu of custodial sentence, I added an additional parole year.”

“Draco!” Harry screamed agitated by the blond’s blasé attitude. “We have to help him, Ron is not a criminal. He doesn’t deserve muggle prison. Nine months in Azkaban nearly killed him he—“

“Is not a child, Potter,” Draco interrupted and glared at the other wizard, “I spared his life after the War for desertion, I spared his life after he wilfully called me a Death Eater, I spared his life after he for all intents and purposes called my wife a mudblood, I SPARED his life after his mother said she couldn’t bear to see her youngest son die in prison! I GAVE him a fresh start in a world that is as far from magic and Hogwarts as possible, I cannot keep bailing out your sidekick just because you think he doesn’t deserve it. Did you ever stop and wonder if the Ronald Weasley you met as an 11-year-old was a plant by Dumbledore? If Dumbledore wanted you to be the saviour of the Wizarding world he would have groomed you himself or at least place you in the care of a proper Wizarding family. And if failing all that at least direct you toward a more knowledgeable source of the magical world and of magical ability than Ronald fucking Weasley! It was just pure luck that you befriended Hermione, she, despite being a muggle-born was more of a friend and a source of information than Weasley ever was. Every time you did something he didn’t like or he wasn’t included in he sulked. Remember Fourth Year, remember the Horcrux hunt? Ronald Weasley may not be your idea of a criminal, Potter, but he grew up to be one, both in the Wizarding and the muggle world. If there was something wrong with the Obliviate then you as the fucking Head of the Improper Use of Magic Office would fucking know about it. He did this on his own, he is a muggle now, he broke their laws and he has to be judged by them, we cannot interfere.”

“But—“

“But what, Potter?” Draco was quickly losing his patience with regards to Ron Weasley.

“You wouldn’t understand, Malfoy,” Harry deflated.

Draco sighed, “Spit it out already!”

“He’s my friend. He’s Arthur’s son, Ginny’s brother. Whatever mistakes he may have committed as a wizard he paid for, dearly. At the very least we have to keep him safe.”

“He robbed a, what did you say?”

“Liquor store.”

“He robbed a place that sells alcohol?”

“Among other things but yes.”

“See, I am still not seeing why in Merlin’s name I should care or lift a finger. Bottom line is, Potter, Weasley is now a muggle who broke muggle law, it’s not our job or anyone else in Wizarding world, for that matter, to help a muggle escape justice. If the muggle police think he’s Julian Pearce because their system says he is then who are we to argue?”

“But what if it’s a mistake?”

“What possible mistake could there be? You are the bloody Head of the Improper Use of Magic Office, if any magic is used improperly or if any Ministry spells are malfunctioning you would fucking know. And insofar as you know, the Obliviate is working and continues to that includes his altered memories, isn’t that correct?”

Harry sighed defeated, “Yes.”

“So unless there’s a legitimate reason we should intervene in a muggle jurisdiction, tell me for the love of Merlin what that mistake could be?”

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it.

“That’s what I thought. Next time Potter, only come to me regarding Weasley when you can give a damn good reason. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m late for a Wizengamot vote on pixies.” Draco stood, put on his Wizengamot robes and left.

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't know when this series became episodic but here we are. Also, Julian Pearce is the name of Rupert Grint's character from Servant (TV series) he may or may not play a role in my series, I just needed a reference. And yes, I am aware that the kids are Fourth Years and lower and talking about sex but, I don't think they know what they're even talking about. ;) 
> 
> Just wanted to give a quick shoutout to Carols_Sister and Jacpin2002, you guys are awesome. Thanks for keeping me motivated.
> 
> Quick poll: What should Wendell's personality at 11 be:  
> A) A Ron carbon copy  
> B) A redheaded version of Dudley  
> C) A redhead version of 11-year-old Draco  
> D) Create your own (comment)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
